Our Beloveds as Allies

Negotiate your roles, boundaries, and agreements

We play so many roles in our lives. Parent, sibling, employee, caregiver, boss. Often our other roles dominate and take over our artist. 

If our roles are at battle with each other, none of them win. It can be frustrating to have to prioritize. It can be difficult to make decisions about where we spend our time. I assert that it’s possible to feel more harmony and a sense of integration.

We must stake a claim for our art. 

This is easier when we clearly negotiate agreements with the people in our lives to make space for our artist. Boundaries and clarity around our creative space can make all the difference. 

My husband Steve learned early in our marriage that when he sees me on the couch in the morning with my notebook, I’m not available. Not for a chat, not for a kiss, not for anything. I am in my ‘zone’. 

Now, he didn’t learn this because I so kindly and clearly communicated it to him ahead of time. He got the message when I snarl/growled at him one morning, coffee mug in my hand. He backed off from my writing wildness and never interrupted me again. 

Okay, that’s not the way we want to do things. Ideally, in a perfect sunshine-tinted world, we will design our relationships. We’ll talk about what we need and what we hope for from our people. We’ll even write the script for them! It might not always be neat and tidy. But knowing your needs and articulating them to your people will go a long way toward integrating the different parts of your life. Know what you need from your peeps, ask for it, and return the favor when their needs are requested. 

Me and my beloved Steve in 2016, the first year we were together. I love him more than ever!

What part do your beloveds play in your creative life? Our spouses and friends and partners all have an impact on our creative lives. Too often we think they should be our champion. We think it’s their job to hold us accountable. To read and critique our work. But I’ve seen this go badly. I believe it’s not their place to play an active role our creative projects. Try it and see if it works for you for your spouse to check in with “Did you write today, honey?”

That’s not to say that we don’t want and deserve their support. But that will look different for everyone. 

Among the needs we want to be honored are boundaries. These could be: 

• A closed door signals you are not available. 

• Headphones on means you are in another space. 

• You’re wearing your magic artist cape which signals you’re not in housekeeper mode now. 

You may also need to ask for more shared tasks. Perhaps you need extra care for the kids while you are at your Thursday writing group. Or to take care of dinner one night a week so you have a night ‘off’ from chef mode. 

You might also learn a few phrases to help stay connected both to your artist and to yourself. This sounds silly but I feel much better when I am able to ‘use my words’ instead of my growl. 

• Hold on a minute, I need to finish this thing. 

• I can’t talk with you now. I’ll get back to you later. 

• Today I need XXX time. Can you help me with that? 

• I’d love to get together but I can’t meet until after I’ve done my writing. How about at 3:00? 

• Or even just “How about at 3:00?”

You probably already know how to communicate your needs with your people. If not, this is your chance to get clear on your needs and how you communicate them. You won’t become a prima donna, demanding that everyone line up to meet your artist’s needs. You will reciprocate the kindness by helping them get their needs met. 

Make agreements with each other and keep them. An unkept agreement can be more harmful than no agreement at all. When we keep our commitments to ourselves and to each other, we continue to build trust and intimacy. We strengthen our trust that we can rely upon one another. We communicate that our artist’s needs are important. And finally, honored agreements signal our deep care and commitment to one another. This holds true for the agreements you make between you and your artist. 

INVITATION 

Make note of conversations you need to have and with whom. What are your requests? Get all your needs into your artist manual. 

Then, make a commitment to have those conversations sooner rather than later. Be sure to use timing to your advantage. Late at night when everyone is tired may not be the best time to make an ask. 

Affirmation: My artist role operates easily with my other roles, and everyone is the better for it. 

In the comments: Is there a difficult conversation you need to have? No need to share specifics, but in the comments, share with us by when you will handle that.